


Tony, NO

by von_gelmini



Series: Tony Stark Bingo 2020 [1]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Dildos, Inappropriate use of Stark Tech, M/M, No Pepperony, Not Canon Compliant, Pepper Potts is Long Suffering, Tony Stark Has A Big Dick, tony stark is a little shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:14:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24639784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/von_gelmini/pseuds/von_gelmini
Summary: “You can’t trademark that!”Tony scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Of course I can’t. You can’t trademark an actual, physical item. That requires a patent. Which I have.”“You have a patent forthat?”
Relationships: Pepper Potts & Tony Stark, Peter Parker/Tony Stark
Series: Tony Stark Bingo 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1781566
Comments: 19
Kudos: 153
Collections: Tony Stark Bingo 2020





	Tony, NO

**Author's Note:**

> For the Tony Stark Bingo 2020  
> Square: T5 - You Can't Trademark That
> 
> This makes bingo #2
> 
> Von_Gelmini  
> card number 3139

“Tony, NO.”

“Tony, YES,” Tony replied to Pepper.

He plopped the item down on his glass desk, sticking the rubber suction cup in the process, leaving the thing slightly quivering in the air.

“You can’t trademark that!”

Tony scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Of course I can’t. You can’t trademark an actual, physical item. That requires a patent. Which I have.”

“You have a patent for _that?”_

“Of course I do. I was in the workshop for _weeks_. I had to create an entirely new formula for the coating layers to give the right skin texture. Another for the mid-level layer so the skin would have the right glide over the internal structure. _That_ took the most work.

“At my length and girth—” Tony said, crooking his head and looking along the thing’s size. “—maintaining its stiffness was a problem. Which I promise you _isn’t_ a problem with the actual thing.” He gave Pepper a wink.

“Ugh,” she groaned.

“But I solved it. It’s hard enough to stand on its own.” He cupped his hand over the head and pushed slightly down on it. “Firm enough to satisfy an ass, or vagina.” He gave the shaft a stroke. “And flexible enough for the mouth.” He bent the thing slightly in imitation of how it would bend going down a throat.

“Gross.”

“So, anyway, of course I have it patented. Three separate chemical patents. Pete was such a big help on that. And on the experimental trials, of course,” he smirked.

 _“THAT_ I did not need to know.”

“Of course you did. You need to know that a product with my name on it had a thorough beta testing.”

“Tony, stop! I’ll file a sexual harassment suit this time, I swear,” Pepper said, sitting in the chair opposite Tony’s desk and taking out her StarkPad to actually work on the problem. She could tell that Tony was serious. And it gave her something to look at instead of _that._

“It’s not harassment. I am describing a product intended to be marketed by the company. It’s a legitimate business discussion.”

“Ugh.”

“I’m talking about the product’s name, the packaging form factor, the actual shape of it. I can’t have someone out there selling cheap knock-offs of my dick. So I only need to register the trademarks at this point. I was thinking of ‘Iron Dick’,” Tony suggested.

She looked up at the thing. “It would need to be red and gold for that.”

“‘The Real Thing’?”

“Belongs to Coca-Cola.”

“‘Stark Naked’.”

“Already taken for a similar product,” Pepper said with a shrug, after doing a trademark search on her tablet.

“You’re _kidding_ me!” Tony said, outraged. “I know I never cast another one of these.” He gives it a few tugs like he was jerking himself off. “This is me. Who the hell and what are they…”

“Well,” Pepper said in a conciliatory tone, “it’s not from the same materials, because you have the patents for those. And…” She finally gives the thing a better look. “It’s _much_ smaller.”

“SMALLER! With my name on it!? Sue. Sue the bastards.”

“I’ll get legal on it. But that still leaves the trademark to worry about, unless you’re going to wait for the case to make its way through the system.”

Tony growled angrily. “Fine. Stark Tower. I know we already own that trademark. Just alter the registration to cover this as well as the building.”

Pepper just took notes and shook her head. Diluting the tower’s brand wasn’t going to be good, but Tony was not going to be dissuaded.

“What about the tagline, ‘A cock to crow about’.” He gave said cock a little thwack to set it moving again on his desk.

“Put that _thing_ away. Contrary to your belief, not everyone in the universe wants to see your penis.”

Tony smirked. “Yes they do.”

He released the suction cup from his desk. He started playing with the item like it was a fidget toy. “It is, you know. My dick. An exact, perfect to the last vein, replica. The head is the right color in comparison to the shaft—”

“I wouldn’t know,” Pepper interrupted. “Not everyone in the universe wants to _touch_ your penis either.”

“Yes they do. I’m counting on that for the profit margin.”

He continued on. “The balls hang the way mine do, with an actual sway that the artificial skin will hold up to and not tear. We tested it. And there’s a great internal texture on the nuts, if someone wants to suck on them,” he said, giving them a tug. “We—”

_“Don’t!”_

“I was considering attaching hair to the balls, but Pete convinced me it would be unsanitary. If I fixed it so it can be cleaned, repeated washings would eventually loosen the hairs. That would leave an inferior product after only a few usages.

“So I had him shave my balls.”

“Tonyyyyy!”

“Pepper, I don’t know why you’re acting this way. You’re the CEO of Stark Industries. This is a Stark Industries product. _That_ trademark, which we already own, will be on the packaging.”

“Tony, no. You can’t. It will hurt the company.”

“I disagree. It will be ideal for the company. The free media attention alone will be worth millions. We’ll garner so much good will, marketing to all genders and orientations. It’s gonna be all positive, you’ll see.”

Pepper shook her head, knowing she couldn’t win. “Fine. I’ll get a team together to deal with the knock-offs. Then legal will get on the change to the Stark Tower—” She shook her head again, “—trademark changes. Design will develop a unique, but discreet, packaging. But you’ll have to meet with production to source the materials and actually _build_ the thing.”

Pepper sighed heavily. “And PR will have to handle this entire shitshow.”

Tony got up, dick in hand, and walked to the other side of his desk. He sat it down in front of Pepper. “You’ll need to take this prototype around to each department,” he said, trying to keep the smile off his face.

“I will take you for every penny you have in my lawsuit,” she glowered.

Tony rolled his eyes and picked the item up. “Fine. _I’ll_ take it down myself. If anyone complains like you do, you let them know that this is an _official_ Stark Industries product and they _will_ work on it, same as any other.”

He gave another smirk. “Although once production starts, anyone on the team can have a sample as a bonus for their efforts.”

**Author's Note:**

> My Starker blog on tumblr is [starker-stories](https://starker-stories.tumblr.com/).  
> Come on by and visit.


End file.
